Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
