I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
