My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
