my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am available for nakedness
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
