so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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