I smell stomach acid.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
