I can text with my tongue
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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