i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
