My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
