I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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