its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
