My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
