my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize