I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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