we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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