Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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