I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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