I think I won the penis lottery.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
