Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My day in three words: secret purse cake
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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