I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
