the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
