The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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