"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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