how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
