I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
