a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
