Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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