I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
