I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
