the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
