I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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