So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
