i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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