I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
