Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
