I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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