Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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