Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
