Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
