I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize