After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
