I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
