I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
