We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
