I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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