Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
