Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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