Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
