I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have tasted many bathrooms
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
