Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Randomize
