I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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