i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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