New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
