I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
