When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
