I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
