ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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