I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
