I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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