A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
