Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
