Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize