I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
