mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
