hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
