Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
