I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
