Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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