he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
