Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude i'm inner monologue high
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
