Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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