then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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