I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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