Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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