I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
