My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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