I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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