I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
