i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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